Although I often despair at being stuck in my office cubicle, I console myself with the fact that 'it could be worse'. Here's my take on the top five WORST jobs in Singapore:
5. Shrek at Universal Studios Singapore. Enormous, heavy, furry, bright green costume + 136.8 km north of the equator = Sweat Monster.
4. Pest control worker. With no less than FOUR different types of cockroach here, all loving the heat as much as any fresh-off-the-boat expat, I'd rather die than have to deal with an infestation.
3. Party Police. Policeman on the party circuit between midnight and 4 a.m. have the patience of Hachiko. Often having to return to the same expat households weekend after weekend, and although carrying heavy weapons which could close down any party at the shout of "everybody get down", the police here are extremely placid. We just wish that they didn't turn up so early. However, given the high population density and lack of double-glazing, it is little wonder that annoyed neighbours have their fingers on the keypad in no time at all.
2. Bin man. With the daily temperature hovering around the optimum temperature for common bacteria growth, and a less-than-perfect refuse collection system in some parts of Singapore (sadly, Tiong Bahru is one), the stench of dealing with rotting household waste day after day is less than desirable.
1. Romanian diplomat. The State Coroner recently ruled that Dr. Silviu Ionescu was responsible for the death of one and serious injury of two other Singaporean residents following an alcohol-fueled hit and run debacle. One has to wonder if the case would be different if Romania was a country in which Singapore was remotely interested. Unfortunately for Silviu, it looks as if his status may soon be revoked:
- Bemused by Opera. We checked out the launch event for An Expat Journey In Singapore at the swish and swanky recently opened Opera Gallery on the third floor of the monstrous just-landed-from-outer-space ION Orchard. I don't believe I've been in a gallery with less 'cohesion'. I'm a firm believer that a gallery should offer a journey through the curator's mind and not just be a shop selling art. In any event, I have never understood opera, so I guess I was never going to understand Opera Gallery.
- Tippling. What an experience. We sat at the bar, at right angles to the service station, so were in full view of the glory of the Tippling Club kitchen. The brainchild of Chef Ryan Clift and Head Bartender Matthew Bax, Tippling Club is perched on the edge of the Dempsey jungle. No sooner had our bottle of elegant and complex white arrived than we were presented with a plate of grapes. Ah-ha! But these were no ordinary grapes, these were carbonated “bourbon” grapes. Cue an explosion of little whisky bubbles in my mouth. Up next was a plate of 2-inch long knobbled black sticks and a little dish of light brown sauce. Ta-da! Char-grilled green peppers served with a miso soy foam. To finish our last glasses, we tucked into morsels of freshly cut jamón serrano from pigs reared by Ryan's mate's Dad. Absolutely delicious and proving that Chef Ryan is not so far up his own proverbial with 'foam of this' and 'essence of that' to appreciate good quality ingredients. Of course, all of this was topped off by the fact that we were personally served by Chef Ryan himself. It was truly a wonder that one can be Head Chef and Awesome Maître d' at the same time and the food is testament to the fact that the kitchen is clearly a superbly and slickly run operation. We left vowing to return for our post-wedding diner pour deux. In fifteen months of living in Singapore, this was the first experience where the quality of service matched the food.
Another store that will never have a UK branch
- Tittering. From 'Toss' Salad Bar to www.catchcheatingspouse.com private investigators and from a pie that gets you 'high' to the all-new crunchy offering from Pizza Hut complete with cornflakes(!), it's good to know that we still delight in the peculiarities of living outside the UK.
- Getting high. It's good to have friends in 'high places'. Hidden amongst the forgotten malls of Beach Road, an office block has a supreme roof top pool and deck perfect for an all-night rave with a rare perspective of the Kallang River and indoor stadium. Okay, so, as if on cue, the Party Police turned up at midnight and waited patiently, as usual, for the troops to move on, but it sure was fun while it lasted.
- Mangiato. We were treated to a divine Italian feast at Otto. Wines sourced from organic producers in Italy by Enrico Furlan, stories provided by reportage photographer and writer, Brian Palmer, currently artist-in-residence at Objectifs, and food laced with love and packed with passion. We were lucky enough to be guinea pigs for some selections of the new menu and were pleased to give a resounding thumbs up. Along with Tippling Club, this was one for the Schwarzenegger List.
- Chillaxin' and Rinsin'. Another Rawa rinse-out involving the avoidance of liver malfunction whilst imbibing copious amounts of alcohol, playing in the sea and dancing like no one's watching. Bliss.
- Attending to last minute preparations. We're getting married on Saturday, 1 May in Somerset, England. Five things that we have organised here: rings from DeRocks (10 Anson Rd #19-11 Singapore 079903. Contact: 62226818); a suit from Rossi (9 Raffles Boulevard #01-36 Millenia Walk, Singapore 039596. Contact: 63362818); a wedding dress from Silhouette; wedding programmes from Card Blanche; and learning to dance with Calvin at Shawn & Gladys. Overall, we have been very impressed with the service: from larger than life Izik at DeRocks who makes you feel like a real high-roller whilst diamond 'shopping'; to Ferne at Card Blanche who punctuates her sentences with "yeah". It's possible and enjoyable to deal with some 'wedmin' from afar!
Up next is said wedding, a 'mini-moon' in the Cotswolds, and the general feeling of excitement at being reunited with close friends and family. Bring it on!
Who wouldn't want to wake up to this view on a Saturday morning?
It was my *bright* idea to journey up to Rawa on Friday night instead of leaving early Saturday morning, as before, to avoid feeling obliged to go to some rubbish nightspot to stay awake. We left Singapore just after six thirty and arrived at midnight after a loooong border crossing involving a stop for 'more booze', urination behind a bush, the border police and forgotten employment passes. Nevertheless, it meant that we had two full on Paradise P!ss-Ups, ending both nights at 6 a.m. Pure class in a glass and an awesome send-off to our dear friend, Katie, who soon leaves these shores for the Motherland.
Now, of course you can already find at your webbed fingertips mainstream media coverage of 48 hours in Singapore. I'm not going to waste any time on telling you about how amazing Changi Airport is, where the best place to eat chicken rice is or how to get to Singapore Zoo. Here's a quick list of famous mainstream attractions that are 'hit' or 'miss' and a bunch of ideas for alternative places to have on your Singapore radar:
Hit:
Mustafa Centre - full to bursting with things you didn't know you needed.
Chinatown Heritage Centre - even if you're only vaguely interested in how Singapore used to be, the collection of antique items and the mock-ups of living quarters is pretty eye-opening.
Bugis Junction - By far and away the best mall as it houses independent stores stocking unique labels.
Miss:
Orchard Road - unless you shop at Chanel or LV, this road is filled with slow-walking locals whose main past time is window shopping as they saunter from one air-conditioned mall to the next. Visit at your peril.
The Singapore Flyer - Afraid of having to be winched down? Save your $30 and put it towards lunch at Si Chuan Dou Hua at the top of the UOB Plaza. Amazing dim sum, awesome tea service and a superb view of Singapore that comes free with your meal. [Once the Sky Park at Marina Bay Sands opens, this will surely add another nail into the Singapore Flyer's coffin.]
Avoid Clarke Quay at all costs (one giant meat market for men across a full spectrum of miscreants: SAS (Still At School) to POP (Prostitutes Only Please).
Les Bouchons - Enjoy a superbly succulent steak with unlimited portions of French fries.
Beaujolais - Knock back a few glasses of fermented grape juice and watch the world go by.
2. Dempsey [WARNING: Bring mosquito repellent if you have tasty blood]
The old Army barracks has been transformed into a hive of bars and restaurants. However, quantity does not mean quality. Stick to the following for weekends only (lest you want to be Billy No Mates):
Tippling Club. Pull up a chair barside and keep your fingers crossed that Chef Ryan likes the look of your face. Get yourself a Death in The Afternoon, a Smokey Bastard or a bottle of fine wine... and be seriously wowed by the awesome service, delicious bar snacks and divine beverages on offer. Worth every cent.
White Rabbit. Set in an old church, with quality house music at weekends played by homegrown talent such as NOMSTA*.
House. Famous for its cocktails, this place has a cafe and a bar to choose from, complemented by outdoor seating with a view of the jungle.
3. Other hidden gems
Speak Easy, Outram Park - Nestled amongst the shophouses with a great wine list and a gallery upstairs.
Blu Jaz, Bugis - Alternative drinking hole offering quality music, three floors of mis-matching furniture and a laidback atmosphere.
Klee Bar, Portsdown Road. You pick a fruit. They make a customized cocktail with it. The barmen are quite pretentious really, but the place is undoubtedly romantic with 10 vintage deco seats and a long and low wooden bar. The terrace is surrounded by savannah trees and very quiet... Only a few cars pass by every hour once night has fallen...
LOOF, City Hall - If drinking a Singapore Sling at the Long Bar in Raffles Hotel doesn't tickle your fancy, head over the road and chill in this rooftop oasis complete with plastic trees.
Orgo, Esplanade - Hidden on the roof of The Esplanade (Durian). Watch the sun set and sip a delicious (if a little pricey) cocktail by renowned Japanese mixologist, Tomoyuki Kitazoe.
Canopy Dining, Bishan Park - Chillax to the max whilst feeling like you have left Singapore (OK, so you're half way to Malaysia but it's easy to forget you are in the heartlands until you have to walk out to the main road).
Zac Cafe, Arab Quarter - One of a number of good quality Arabic restaurants serving up delicious humus and grilled meats. Finish your meal with a shisha and a wander through the backstreets for an incomparable vibe buzzing with locals and expats in the know.
See & Do
Sculpture Square, Bugis - The only space dedicated to 3D artworks is small but perfectly formed. Not open Sundays.
La Salle, Bugis - If you want to see what urban wear looks like in Singapore, head down to this iconic building. Often, they have flea markets where students sell their unique hand-crafted items or free talks and seminars. It's one of those rare places in Singapore that feels like it has its own heartbeat.
White Canvas Gallery, Tiong Bahru - Set in Singapore's oldest housing estate and next door to awesome French patisserie, Centre PS, is Enrico Furlan's homage to thought-provoking sculptures made from modern materials, such as recycled plastic and silicone. Everyone needs a five metre long red crocodile. Believe.
Strangelets, Tanjong Pagar - Militant craftsmanship at its very best offering unique design items for the pocket or home.
The Southern Ridges - Take a bus or taxi to Hort Park and pick up the start of the Treetop Walkway, leading to the highest pedestrian bridge in the country, Henderson Waves. Carry on to Mount Faber and down to the Marang Trail which winds down towards Vivocity (Harbour Front MRT) via some incredibly impressive old Black & Whites. I prefer to do the walk in the reverse of the recommended as then I can reward myself with an ice cream at the end. After two hours of walking, you'll need it.
Chillaxing My dear friend, Thibault De Rocca Sera (a.k.a. "Mr. Chill"), advises that you don't need to head to Indonesia or Thailand if you enjoy being pampered.
Spa Botanica, Sentosa. An amazing feeling to have flown to Bali during the time of an afternoon. You are invited to enjoy the full facilities before and after your treatment. Surrounded by lush vegetation, you will most probably enjoy the salad bar between a dip in the mud pool and a nap on the floating mattresses under the waterfall. SGD160 per hour with use of the facilities.
Healing Touch Massage, River Valley. The "deep tissue massage" is a must try. The best therapists in Singapore. The obviously experienced therapists "read" your back and muscles, and make you want to hire them permanently. SGD50 per hour.
Stay
Avoid the over-sized monsters of the hotel world and check out the following boutique establishments:
New Majestic Hotel, Outram Park - Rooms designed by Singaporean emerging artists.
Hotel 1929, Outram Park - Beautiful colonial architecture and modern interiors.
Gallery Hotel, Clarke Quay - Every boutique room and suite expresses its designer's unique interpretation of space.
Naumi Hotel, Bugis - Personalised luxury and a superb rooftop bar and pool.
The Scarlet Hotel, Tanjong Pagar - Great location, 100 m away from Club Street and China Town.
Quincy Hotel, Orchard Road - Modern chic space near Orchard Road.
The Klapsons, Tanjong Pagar - Unique rooms crafted by a leading design house: Sawaya & Moroni. Member of Design Hotels.
Wangz Hotel, Tiong Bahru - Complete with awesome rooftop bar with a great view.
Hotel Nostalgia, Tiong Bahru - Rooms decked out in bright fabrics and a rooftop mini-pool with adjacent bar in the heart the oldest neighbourhood around.
The Club will open on Ann Siang Road in late April this year.
Websites
HungryGoWhere - foodies congregate here to extol the virtues of a perfectly foamed wasabi mousse or cause death by criticism of an overly surly waitress.
Gothere - Unbeatable local knowledge on how to get from point A to point B using all methods of transport, except hoverboard (coming soon, no doubt).
Outré - street fashion blog - get the Singapore look.
For the record, the best chicken rice is Tiong Bahru Boneless Chicken Rice (#02-82, Tiong Bahru Market). Word.
First up was my office Chinese New Year 'party' held at the Golden Peony, Conrad Hotel. A magnificent eight course menu ensued covering dishes from double-boiled sea whelk in golden pumpkin soup to meltingly soft Wagyu veal cheek stewed in 'rich brown sauce'. To 'mix it up' a little each Head of Department was on rotation with each course, which made for interesting, if a little stunted, conversation. The highlight of the evening was watching a local newbie down no less than six large glasses of red wine in a row. Once the poor chap had his full Asian Glow on, the ang mors retreated back to their corners to re-group and decide to which dirty basement establishment they would be heading to for the classy 'after-party' with the 'professional ladies'. Nice.
Second, was the Tiong Bahru Community Lunar New Year 'Get-Together' held in a large open-sided tent on a patch of grass next to the MRT station. Despite having to cater for approximately 500 hungry locals with a smattering of ang mors, the chefs did an excellent job of dishes ranging from taboo-but-delicious shark's fin soup to chili prawns and steamed grouper. Sadly, with the only drinks choice being fanta or lemonade, a swift nip to the 7-11 was required to purchase cold water and beers, lest we choked on an unchewed morsel during the local MP's enthralling speech. Strip-lighting and overhead ceiling fans provided an electric but sweltering atmosphere enhanced only by various on-stage performances ranging from a local marital (sic.) arts group to a lone Chinese belly-dancer. We've already bought our tickets for next year. No, really.
Leaping with a Singaporean back drop
- Booze Cruising: The Seaquel. Pack even more of your friends onto the same boat, with even more booze and head for the same stretch of the Singapore Straits and you've got an even bigger and better party than the last one. When asked if the crowd wanted 'more', Malaysia could have heard those tigers roar.
- Learning how to be a Producer. We were lucky to win tickets to hear Nik Powell speak at the National Museum, courtesy of the British Council. Little did I know that he started Virgin Records with Richard Branson BEFORE going on to produce 'The Crying Game'! Nik was highly amusing, kept up a solid pace and left me with the feeling that he should become a spokesperson for Nike's "Just Do It" campaign. His selected Latin proverb said it all, "It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, but because we do not dare, things are difficult. (Non quia difficilia sunt non audemus, sed quia non audemus, difficilia sunt.) Coupled with his three-pronged advice: "Never turn down a good thing"; "Be comfortable with going in a different direction to everyone else"; and "Do not be afraid to fail", I left feeling thoroughly inspired. Upon entering my office cubicle the next morning, I felt thoroughly uninspired.
Blackmarket Kids
- Drinking beer on The Blackmarket. Another awesome launch party, this time for früfrü & Tigerlily who are taking over part of this forward-thinking independent clothing store. If you're wondering where the trendy kids 'hide' out in Singapore, this is it.
Up next month are a seafood feast, a party on a rooftop and another hedonistic weekend in Rawa-wa-waaaah!
Finally, for those who have been wondering, like I did: The "OOO-OOO" bird you hear in Singapore is called an Asian Koel, a distant relative of the cuckoo:
Twelve hours after rising from our beds, we were unpacking our bags in paradise. On the way, we enjoyed a few hours layover in the Krisflyer Lounge at Manila airport before boarding Philippine Airlines for a trip accompanied by 'greaseless peanuts' and a candid camera show, thankfully on 'silent'.
Touching down at Tagbilaran Airport we were astounded by the proximity of huts to the runway. People who are against the expansion of Heathrow need to visit The Philippines to get some perspective.
Another remarkable element of this trip was the prevalence of English and religion. Not only were all signs in English, but the standard of spoken English from the locals we met far surpassed what we have experienced in Thailand, Vietnam and Indonesia. Added to that, on the back of each motor-tricycle is a religious sentiment: "God is good"; "Be honest"; or "Do your best and God will do the rest" to name a few examples. Thanks to the Spanish, a surprising 95% of inhabitants of The Philippines are Christian believers, with 80% of those belonging to the Roman Catholic Church.
We sped along the surprisingly well-surfaced roads past half-finished huts; a man taking his goat for a walk; school girls in bright pink uniform and the odd grazing cow. Finally, we took a sharp left passed the sign stating: "Gun Free Zone: Please deposit your firearms" and entered our oasis, at Alona Beach, Panglao.
One thing's for sure, we were quite shocked at the sheer number of beach bars and restaurants that were brimming with life all the way down the Alona strip. The smokey scent of charcoal hung in the air as fires were being stoked for the evening's tasty seafood BBQ dinners. A word of warning: avoid the beachside 'buffets' at all costs and stick with items selected for the BBQ. The buffet we tried turned out to be a couple of plastic tables sagging under the weight of a myriad of plates of tasteless vegetables, fatty meat and overcooked fish. The one amusing element of that evening was that we were surrounded by not one, not two, but three visible handguns. For some odd reason in The Philippines, security guards also double as restaurant waiters, a phenomenon that we would also observe back in Manila. Taking 'moonlighting' to the extreme.
Our two day's diving with SeaQuest was excellent for aficionados of wall diving. Three white-tipped sharks in a cave, schooling jack fish, and a giant hawksbill turtle were highlights of our trips. The fact that our room was a mere fifteen paces to the dive centre also made up for the early starts.
To ensure that we had ticked off all the tourist spots in Bohol, we opted for a day's tour around the mainland. Our driver was clearly a Filipino version of Colin McRae. We enjoyed speeding dangerously on every stretch of straight road and were only mildly perturbed by the technique of 'beep and immediately overtake'.
Chocolate Hills - they turn brown in 'winter'.
One of our tarsier friends.
We treated ourselves to a chocolate ice cream whilst viewing the Chocolate Hills; spotted four out of the ten tarsiers in the Sanctuary; clung on for dear life to the Hanging Bridge; held a butterfly by it's wings and endured another mildly disappointing meal on a cruise down the Loboc River. The highlight of the cruise was certainly the stop-off at the Ati tribe, a Disney-esque take on traditional tribal living. The only difference was that small children who should probably have been in school were also part of the 'act'. All in all, it was an enjoyable day out away from the beach, and worth doing if you're one of those people who gets bored stiff just roasting your skin in the sun.
The Ati tribe.
Overall, our experience made us want to explore other islands in The Philippines. There are 7,107 of them, so plenty to get on with! To secure the future of their tourism industry, they simply need to to send a Filipino envoy to Thailand to learn about beach lighting (billowing material lampshades hung from the trees vs. rope lighting wrapped around trees) and the art of cuisine (even the Valentine's Day meal at upmarket Alona Palm Beach was heavy on the salt). At the same time, the Filipinos can teach the Thais a little about service: with a smile, attentive, and how not to screw up your patrons' orders.
Now that the year anniversary has passed and all of the associated excitement has died down, this month, we have mostly been:
- Applying for PR. After waiting for no less than two months for an appointment to submit my passport, originals of my birth certificate and university transcripts; evidence of salary for the last six months; and a completed Form 4, I finally applied for permanent residence in Singapore. Sadly, the much-anticipated 'interview' (and endless goadings from my colleagues that I would be asked to sing the National Anthem or interpret some Singlish phrases, like "Mee Mare Mew" = "Big Mac Meal"), turned out to be a damp squib; the appointment was over in less than ten minutes. I handed over my documents to the robotron who duly ticked off my items from the checklist and informed me that it would take three months to process. No handshake, no free cup of Milo, not even a sticker. I exited the building feeling distinctly anticlimactic.
Still perfecting the words to this one.
The Godfather (of Techno).
- Seeing Sven Väth at Zouk. Revered by many as 'The Godfather of Techno', Mr Väth kept us on our techno toes for a couple of hours before the enormous quantities of alcohol consumed started to soak into our lower limbs, making them heavy and not fit for the purpose of throwing shapes. I have begun to wonder, though, whether I really enjoy going out clubbing in Singapore full stop. Zouk tends to pull in a veritably young crowd; there are distinctly more older clubbers in London. In addition, there is a certain 'je ne sais quoi' lacking in the atmosphere. With so many of the 'see and be seen' crowd out in full force, one has to wonder what percentage of people are really there for the music. When there are twice as many girls in the toilets applying make-up and re-touching their locks than there relieving themselves, something tells me these ladies are not getting down and dirty to the twitchy clicks and thumping bass. Ravers these ain't.
- Being amazed at Thaipusam. Now, I am no sadist, especially not during the weekdays. However, the last Saturday of January was the perfect time to enjoy watching a seemingly endless procession of skewered Hindus parade before our eyes on Serangoon Road. Aside from the multi-coloured cages carried by the older members of the procession, my favourite adornments were the milk bottles and large limes. I find it's always good to have a metal skewer through the tongue too, and even better if it's connected by chains to one's ears. Awesomely gruesome.
Well and truly skewered.
Anyone got any limes?
- Becoming catamoronic. There is nothing I like better than to do things in Singapore that we would never do in London. Grab eighteen of your booze guzzling friends and spend the afternoon on a luxury catamaran - docking on a quiet part of St. John's Island, lining your stomachs with a BBQ cooked on board, whacking up the volume on the iPod and messing about on the water. Ultimate bliss, followed by utter carnage, via the port of sunburn. Supreme.
- Joining The Line. By far and away the winner when it comes to the art of the buffet. The Line has an abundant spread covering every corner of the world. Notable items for me included: oysters shucked before your eyes; sashimi sliced on the spot; the satay station; the dim sum tower; the ice cream teppanyaki and of course, the Veuve Clicquot. Yes, it's expensive; No, I wouldn't go there every weekend. But, if you're after delectable world cuisine on tap, you would be foolhardy to miss this spread. Proponents of putting an end to world hunger need not apply.
- Feeling 'cultured' for once. Exhibition gatherings are something I particularly miss about living in London. Gone are the days when a Thursday evening means swinging by a local East End gallery, grabbing a free beer, taking a look at some art and perhaps meeting a handful of like-minded people. Thankfully, Give Art Gallery came to our rescue with the launch party for Florence Notté's book, Urban Reflects. The book comprises of forty pages of photographs taken from Florence's condominium window of the reflections in the opposite tower's windows, somewhat inspired by David Hockey's famous swimming pool paintings from the 1960's. A little break from the norm. More of this, please, Singapore!
- Celebrating Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year in The Philippines!
Next up is yet another boat party, more house parties, pot luck dinners and hanging in our 'hood. Tiong Bahru life has been progressively getting better and better. Now that we have a central space to chill out, look at sculptures, read books, and enjoy stimulating conversations, we are feeling very 'at home' indeed.
