Seventh month, Asian 'summer'

This month, we have mostly been enjoying our Asian 'summer' holidays. Whilst the tropical seasons speak of 'dry' or 'wet', international companies remain affected by the temperate seasons such that the end of June, July, August and the beginning of September are relatively quiet times. So, we have been taking full advantage and enjoying ourselves to the max:

- Living it up in London (and realising how much we love our lives in Sin City).

- Banging around Bangkok.

- Kicking back in Kota Kinabalu.

- Fully embracing the new nightclub, Stereolab. With a music policy focused on good quality international house DJs and a custom built soundsystem that offers an all-encompassing musical hug, it's possible that the brains behind Cafe Hacienda at Dempsey have got another 'full house'. It is the first club in Singapore to host a DJ from an international record label to perform weekly and with a capacity of only 300, is the perfect size for little red dot clubbing.

Dennis Ferrer gets a bead on boogeying to his beats

- Continuing to enjoy the delicate nuances of Singlish:



In other news, here are some 'slow burn' items:

- Taxi drivers. Lately, we have been subjected to some really 'goondu' taxi drivers. Granted, taxis in Singapore are far cheaper than in London and it is rather fun bouncing around on the super springy seats. It is less fun when after clearly enunciating your destination, you hear the dreaded words: "You teach me; I dun no". On a world map, Singapore can be covered by a chunky choc chip cookie crumb. It is quite beyond me how the taxi drivers are unfamiliar with roads and routes. One particular 'missed-my-calling-as-a-bin-man' taxi driver had to be directed between Tiong Bahru and Dhoby Ghaut - a journey of approximately 4.5 km (2.8 miles). Next time, I'll just offer to take the keys and self-drive to my destination.

- Acronyms. So as not to lose out on too much speaking time, Singaporeans have a love of shortening. I am all for avoiding long-winded speech, but too many acronyms spoil society's broth and make the basic understanding of how stuff works largely impenetrable to the uninitiated. For example,

"When I am not taking the MRT, I enjoy travelling on the PIE, ECP, AYE and CTE but I have to pay the ERP to my taxi driver uncle from the HDB heartlands."

Say what? It cheers me that the top dogs at Talking Cock have come up with new meanings for all these acronyms; my personal favourite being 'Single, Desperate and Ugly' for SDU (the government matchmaking organisation "on a mission of promoting marriage among singles and inculcating positive attitudes towards marriage among all singles in Singapore"). Good luck with that.

- Track rage on the MRT.

A Happy Journey Starts Like That!

Despite the overhead monitors blaring out Phua Chu Kang ("PCK")'s 'yoof' education video on constant repeat and each station itself being adorned with the corresponding "Don't Play Play, Let Me Come Out First" posters, I actually find the most irritating members of the travelling public are the 'aunties'. Their particularly dismaying rush-hour habits include:

1. Boarding before others have disembarked;
2. Boarding, taking two steps and turning round to secure their spot near the doors;
3. Shuffling their way to the front in a packed train to ensure that they disembark first;
4. Placing their whole handbag on the EZ-link card reader in the vain hope that it will locate their card in the depths of their bag and then looking surprised when it doesn't work; and
5. Slowly pausing to check their card balance when they are aware of the hordes of other people also trying to exit that lane.

A new advertising campaign needs to target those five specific behaviours with less rapping and chastising of young people, and more public humiliation of the aunties and uncles of Sin City. I would happily star as the MRT Grim Reaper. Death to all those who stand in my way.

To round off the 'summer', we have another weekend in Bali (this time, Nusa Lembongan), a party on Rawa, my 30th birthday in Tokyo, and then Lombok and Koh Phangan before the New Year (which will also likely be spent on some Asian escapade outside of this fair isle).

We have been advised by friends who have been here for some time that Singapore is nothing short of a nightmare (not dissimilar to central London) at the end of year celebrations - bars and clubs packed to the rafters, impossible to get a drink and facing the strong possibility of having to sleep in the flower bed of Old Parliament House due to lack of a homeward bound taxi. Nice.

Asian Adventure 6 :: 6-13 Aug '09 :: Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia

Arriving at midday in KK, we were surprised to see the streets and sky laced with a smokey haze, somewhat reminiscent of the fog that persistently shrouds Hong Kong and Shanghai. Was Borneo similarly polluted?

We settled in at our budget hotel and looked forward to obtaining our shameless wet suit tans whilst learning how to dive.

KK was noticeably sleepy with a handful of locals sitting outside the dusty Filipino market area, each with no more than a few armfuls of fruits (rambutans, mangosteen and durians) laid out for sale. No economies of scale here - just sell as much as you can pick.

A few steps further on from the fruit sellers were the all-male sewing machinists. Mending a full range of clothing and any leather accessories, I couldn't help but marvel at this reversal of the Western stereotypical mother ready to darn your socks and patch your jeans.



Staminate sewers

The next morning, after a breakfast of fried bee hoon and ring-stingingly hot sambal chilli squid alongside the usual bread and jam offerings, we were picked up by our dive school, Down Below, to begin our journey to Pulau Gaya in the Tunku Abdul Rahman Park.

We soon found out from our instructors that the hazy atmosphere was being caused by forest fires in Indonesia, the smoke from which had blown across to Borneo and was creating a mystical cloudiness surrounding its neighbouring islands. Added to this, the weather had not been ideal of late which made for murky waters due to the fine sands being disrupted by the rough seas. "Great," I thought, "just what we need."

Over the three day PADI course (with integrated e-learning), I believe I swallowed a substantial amount of the Park's waters during the mask removal training. I hope they don't subsequently find a drop in local sea levels. Having had a serious sense of humour failure on the second day when I found that I hadn't really mastered the mask removal task whilst ten metres below (which caused numerous bouts of aforementioned sea swallowing), I got my act together for the final day and passed with flying colours. I must say, I have to thank Calvinn, the cheese-loving Malaysian Chinese dude who's taking time off from five years spent as a software engineer to teach novices like me how to survive underwater. If I could raise a flipper to him, I would.



Calvinn - he shivers if the water is less than 25 degrees Celsius

We booked a final day's 'fun dive' at North Sulug whereupon we discovered a blue-spotted stingray; Nemo and a number of his friends; and - the pièce de résistance - a hawksbill turtle gently grazing at twelve metres.

Our other adventure in KK was to the Klias Wetlands to visit the Monkey Tops Safari Eco Lodge where we saw proboscis monkeys, monitor lizards and fire flies all hanging out and doing their thing. Our tour was dominated by Japanese and Chinese tourists so it wasn't long before we spied a t-shirt with a typically poorly expressed English slogan: "have a terrific Sensibility" (sic). What does that MEAN?



Can you spy the tree-swinging Nasosus Machedonus?

Eating highlights were (from extortionate to dirt cheap):

- Coast at the Shangri-La Rasa Ria Resort: If you have a special occasion to mark, book a private gazebo here. It is a 40 minute (90 ringgit) taxi ride from the centre of KK, but your delectable menu starts with a champagne cocktail watching the sun set, and comes complete with your own iPod dock filled with suitably chillaxing music, a live acoustic guitarist for a couple of tunes, and half a dozen red roses surreptitiously thrust into the hands of your beau as he returns from the wash room by your private butler, Cuthbert. For real.



A little slice of Heaven on Earth

- Nishiki: Never seen such thick slices of sashimi in my life (and I've lived in Japan). Great food, huge portions (we definitely over-ordered) and mid-range prices to be expected with good quality Japanese food in deepest darkest Malaysia.

- Bella Italia at the Jesselton Hotel: Served up delicious pizzas and pastas for knock-down prices complete with lashings of eminently quaffable wine - a rarity in this region.

- Kohinoor: An Indian gem amongst a number of sub-standard outlets along the Waterfront serving up all your usual favourites to satisfy any longstanding British love affair with their adopted national dish.

- Wisma Merdeka Food Court (Phase 1, 2nd Floor, Wisma Merdeka Shopping Centre) was a god-send for lunches and dinners when we needed a simple Asian meal powered by air-conditioning.

- Filipino Night Market: Famed for being one of the best night markets in Malaysia, the stalls serving an array of freshly barbecued prawns, fish, crab and squid certainly lived up to their reputation. For a meal for two, including rice and excellent fresh chilli sauce, the fine was just 70 ringgit. Thank goodness there was no extra charge for tissue papers. It was by far the hottest and most sweaty meal that we had ever eaten (and we are used to eating in 30 degree heat!). The fact that everything still tasted so good and we stayed until we had finished every last morsel is testament to the excellence of the explosion that tickled our taste buds.



Largest prawns. Ever. Fact.

As a novice dive spot specialising in macro life (the small stuff), KK was a good place to base ourselves. Now that we have our passport to the seas, we plan to get in a few dives where we can around Indonesia before facing the challenges and adventures of Sipadan, often noted as one of the world's best dive sites. Strap on your Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus and we'll see you down below!

Asian Adventure 5 :: 31 Jul - 2 Aug '09 :: Bangkok, Thailand

Making use of the thoroughly amenable flight times and using up some Krisflyer Miles, we headed out for a weekend in Bangkok to meet up with friends at the end of their two week honeymoon traversing Thailand. A collection of impressions:

- People in Bangkok have a 'do it until you're told not to' attitude. All three lanes of the motorway entering the city were jam-packed on arrival at 8 pm on a Friday night, even the hard shoulder. Only when a police car attempts to cut through the traffic are people alerted to move off the hard shoulder, something which causes further gridlocked chaos. The long-awaited Skytrain extension which will connect the city with the airport will, no doubt, ease this arrival congestion.

- People in Bangkok are never more than 10 paces away from something edible. This is enabled via the inordinate variety of items categorised by locals as 'food'; items which would not necessarily be considered in the same light by other cultures - soft shell turtles, toads, grasshoppers, grubs and bugs. It's all about the dipping sauce. Clearly.



Deep fried soft shell turtle with chilli sauce, anyone?

For more mainstream eateries, we headed to Arun Residence for a delectable riverside Thai feast overlooking Wat Arun (how did they ascend and descend back in the day without the modern handrails?!); and Tapas Cafe for a delicious selection of Spanish morsels.

- Ping pong is not only a bat and ball sport. When I was last in Bangkok, eighteen years previous, Patpong was all about pole dancing. I recall as a wide-eyed eleven year old pretending to study the fake handbags furiously whilst occasionally glimpsing over my shoulder to spy the pole dancers through the red doors held ajar by heavily makeup clad 'mama-sans'. Now, the touts tend to be vertically challenged super-tanned slicked back geezers waving flyers in your face for 'Patpong Ping Pong' - a showcase of 'powerful pussies'. No miaowing allowed.

- The long boats on the Chao Phraya River are powered by suped-up old aircraft engines, which ensure a white knuckle waterborne ride. We heeded the advice of a fellow traveller and enjoyed the journey with our mouths firmly held shut to avoid ingesting any of the waterborne diseases lurking in the constant spray from the swell.



Pimp my power boat

- The thirty five acre plot that Chatuchak Market occupies offers upwards of 5,000 stalls, each of varying quality, along with a curious omnipresent mixed odour of drains, rotting fruit and delicious street food. It is a mecca for a range of individuals - from Western boutique owners who negotiate wholesale (read: dirtier than dirt-cheap) prices for original, often handmade, garments and also for those in the market for fashionably dressed baby rabbits:



"Excuse me, do you have any Burberry bunnies?"

- The Khao San Road has to be seen to be believed. Packed like sardines in a short street to the north west of the centre are scores of bars and clubs. The road glows with neon lighting and attracts mostly young international revellers there to drink and be/get drunk. It's no frills, plenty of spills, and no seeing and being seen. Despite this, we managed to locate a little piece of drunkard's paradise complete with a partially secluded beer garden and a two storey traditional Thai wooden house full of nooks, crannies and many of Bangkok's rich kids. (Hippie de Bar, 46 Khao San Road). It was a very welcome world away from the first bar that we tried at which the main formula was: lecherous lad + pretty Thai girl = "me love you long time"

Eighteen years ago, we journeyed around Bangkok mostly in vigourously haggled tuk-tuks. It was dirty, there were stray cats and dogs everywhere and there was a real danger of experiencing post-street food gastrointestinal disorders. Today, Bangkok is forging ahead with the sky train, swanky sky bars and saying "sawadee ka (/kup)" to the future. It's still chaotic, but it's an excellent place to enjoy some hedonistic havoc.

Back in Blighty :: 17-26 Jul '09

Things that I've noticed about Blighty since being away for the last six months:

- The UK is grey. Really grey. Aside from the weather, many of the historical buildings are made of stone, which further contributes to the general greyness. The fact that everything is almost permanently bathed in sunshine yellow in Singapore is something that I have come to take for granted. Until now.

- Crime. There's a lot more of it in London. We saw a huge police raid, complete with two cars, two vans, and numerous officers, including two with enormous machine guns, on the way to visit our friend in Stoke Newington. We were here for six days when we saw that. In six months in Singapore, I have not seen anything that even vaguely resembles such serious criminal law enforcement.

- Dirt. Strangely, despite being a chewing gum aficionado, I totally understand why Singapore has outlawed chemically enhanced latex mastication. Long trodden black dots litter the pavements, bins overflow and the sewers are rather pungent since the recent heavy rains. The cleanliness of Sin City is yet another feature that I have grown to take for granted. No longer.

- Public transport sucks. There are, sadly, no two ways about it. London's 100+ year old tube network is dirty, noticeably old and unreliable. What you can calculate by counting stops is meaningless when you have to factor in signal failures and suicides. Singapore's uber-clean, super efficient and slick service is eons ahead of London. The only thing Singaporeans could do better is manage their ridiculous kiasu attitude and actually wait for people to get off before boarding.

- Vibrancy of the East End. London's East End will always hold a special place in our hearts. The aforementioned greyness, crime and dirt seem fitting of the East, where edginess pervades all things from atmosphere to haircuts.

- Friends. Of course, we can't replace the friends we have in the UK. It is difficult, having been away for the last few months living the life of Riley. We have many tales of adventures; the ones we have left behind speak of long winters, mundane jobs and far-flung daydreams. However, it's good to know that some of our friends have plans to visit us in Singapore or meet us on some cool island in South East Asia. I can think of worse ways to spend the last days of my twenties.

Sixth month, Singapore senses

After six months, it seems appropriate to summarise first impressions of life in Sin City:

:: People ::

Kiasu behaviour strongly pervades Singaporean society. This all-consuming fear of 'losing out' causes some people to ignore any semblance of etiquette when using public transport and a relentless determination to be the top dog. Numerous characters have been created to poke fun at this tenacious nature, including Mr Kiasu and Mr Everything Also Know who leads the 'Know Your Singapore' Quiz in the URA gallery. The latter taught me the terribly interesting fact that more than half of Singapore is not taken up by major infrastructure nor Defence but by reservoirs. Despite this, Singapore is not yet self sufficient in the water stakes but is working hard to change this vulnerability into a capability by surging ahead in water technology. Watch this space for yet another 'World's First' or 'World's Largest' something or other. I'm on the edge of my seat.

:: Food ::

Singaporeans eat at all hours of the day and when they are not eating, many of them are thinking or talking about food. These hobbit-like people are fully experienced at fitting in second breakfast, elevenses, afternoon tea, and supper around the usual three meals a day on which other people in the world subsist. But who can blame them? Singapore truly is a gastronomic paradise where food from all over the world can be sampled alongside local food which is a delicious mixture of Chinese, Indian and Malay. The fusion of Chinese and Malay has even given rise to a whole new class of cuisine, Peranakan. Laksa is an excellent example of a fusion dish for which all over Singapore, people carry on their relentless search for the ultimate 'die die must try' bowl.

Morning meal - take your pick from economic bee hoon with sambal chilli, chee cheong fun, loh mai kai, nasi lemak, yam cake, char siu bao, toast (with the crusts cut off) spread with kaya, or soft boiled eggs with a dash of soy sauce. Wash that down with a kopi or teh remembering to say your chosen appendage, lest you want your drink served with a heaped spoonful of sugar and a squirt of sweet condensed milk: 'o' (no milk) or 'c' (with unsweetened evaporated milk) or 'peng' (with ice); 'kosong' (no sugar) or 'siudai' (less sugar). For those on a caffeine avoidance programme, select soya milk or Milo, which can be served on ice or lukewarm.

Try Wang Cafe for the toast or egg dishes and any of the myriad of small coffee shops and food courts dotted around Singapore for the chillified selections.

Afternoon meal - first decide whether you want rice or noodles. Then, decide between meat, fish or vegetables or a combination. Next, something 'dry' (with a sauce) or 'wet' (with a soup). Finally, with or without chilli (unless you're having curry).

Evening meal - see 'Afternoon meal'. Rinse and repeat.

In-between meal snackettes - all manner of fish-based products: fish balls on a stick, fish crackers, fish pounded into a paste, wrapped into a beancurd-based wrapper and deep-fried to get the right balance of crunchy and chewy. Yum. You can also try pork floss buns (a bread roll topped with dried flaky pork using some kind of edible glue) or any of the other baked delicacies found in stores like Breadtalk or (the celebrities' favourite) Bread Pitt:



A quick note about 'chopeing' seats. Entering a hawker centre or food court, you may be surprised to see numerous abandoned packs of tissues dotted on the tables. Far from this being your opportunity to blow your nose or take a seat, please note that locals have placed those tissues there to save their seat. Should you be brave enough to sit in a 'choped' seat, be warned that coming between a Singaporean and his food could be the one and only time that you ignite a passionate and burning tirade of fury. Saying 'belly solly, lah' and moving away will, no doubt, defuse the situation immediately.

:: Language ::

Singlish is everywhere. Even in the workplace. Far from it being an uneducated way of speaking, I find it a refreshing take on the English language. Currently, I am perfecting when to use 'lah', 'lor', 'leh', and 'what' at the end of a sentence and have designated Friday afternoons for Singlish practice with my local colleagues, which they find rather amusing. My favourite so far (and the one I am finding hardest to incorporate into my conversations) is the particle 'wat', also spelled what, which is used to remind or contradict the listener, especially when strengthening another assertion that follows from the current one: "The food there not bad what. Can try lah."

In other news, this month's highlights include:

- One night, two helipads. We were lucky to receive invites to party on the helipad of the New Asia Bar, situated on no less than the 72nd floor. The cityscape views were awesome and it was fun to be reminded how high in the sky we were by the occasional strong gust of wind. To max out our 'high', we then went to Helipad.

- Blissin' out in Bali.

- Learning how to cook ravioli with Heather Barrie, Founder of Fine Palate.





Next up is a weekend in Bangkok, learning how to dive in Borneo and following the preparations for National Day. Stop using the national flag as a tablecloth, hang it outside your house for four weeks (not a moment longer - it's the law) and feel smugly patriotic. We are Singapore.

Asian Adventure 4 :: 10-12 Jul '09 :: Bali, Indonesia

Having been lucky enough to meet a superb group of friends in such a short space of time, we had a most amazing weekend on the Indonesian island of Bali. Just a 2.5 hour hop from Singapore, it's a perfect location for a weekend away that doesn't require any time off work. Beautiful beaches, trendy bars, and hidden treasures ensured that we all got very Bali Hai indeed.


Villa Bugan


On holiday with Big Foot


Seminyak

Gastronomy highlights: Top notch Indonesian lunch at Made's Warung II on Jalan Raya Seminyak and an exquisite beachside Mediterranean feast at La Lucciola.

Fifth month, gastro gang

This month, we have mostly been...

- Getting into the swing of the dinner party thing. As the bar scene in Singapore is somewhat lacking compared to London's homely public houses complete with roaring fires and edgy watering holes of the East End with mis-matching furniture and kids sporting designer kicks and flicks, it's a popular alternative to gather in friends' places for dinner and drinks. Added to this, you also get the benefit of cheaper alcohol and a maid to clear up after you. Bonus. So, we have now been treated to parties in a range of places: from a two storey semi-detached black and white house to an old school condominium fit for a princess; from a converted shop house in Little India to a finished-last-year condominium that gives new meaning to the term "über-plüsh". All have their own distinct charm and it is excellent that, despite Singapore's size, there is a wide range of different types of places which one can call home.

- Learning about the life of 'Expat Brats', or rather more kindly, 'Third Culture Kids', whilst hanging out at the Tanglin Club. On the whole, I have found them all to be very welcoming. I'm just glad that I wasn't still drinking off my parents' beer money at age 25.

- Dining at number 45 of the world's 50 best restaurants (according to San Pellegrino). Iggy's served up a ten course dining extravaganza with a lean towards delectable items from the sea. On certain occasions, we were informed in which order to consume the beautifully presented parcels of gastronomic joy and in between others, we were served delicate creations that certainly amused our mouths no end. Our two complaints were that at the credit crunchingly punchy price of S$195 per head, not including wine, one expects every course to be the taste (as well as the picture) of perfection. Whilst presentation was spot on, there were a couple of dishes that lacked the balance required in molecular gastronomy. Added to that, the setting (in the Regent Hotel) was a little cramped and the decor could do with a makeover, but the service received was five star and it's always nice when the maître d' shakes your hand when you leave.

- Experiencing our first foray into clubbing with 'proper' music at Zouk. We grooved and bopped to the sounds of Ricardo Villalobos. Our penchant for electronic music played on a high quality soundsystem surrounded by an up-for-it crowd was satisfied given that it was the first time in almost five months that we had graced the dancefloor of a place not known purely as a model hang out (Mimolette) or one that plays god-awful 'salsa-house' and offers 'culinary clubbing' (Supperclub). We also met up with two lovely guys via the power of the internet - from posting on 4Four. Geek chic clubbing.

- Entertaining my parents. The 'rents landed on a Sunday and I treated them to a homemade Malaysian chicken curry, fast becoming my signature dish, made with another fabulous kampong chicken from the wet market in Tiong Bahru. During the week that they were here, I was working, so I met up with them for lunches and dinners. Given that they are old hands at the inner workings of Sin City, they shun posh eateries in favour of hawker centres featuring in the Makansutra. We did, however, convene one evening for a family gathering at the Swiss and Asian buffet at the Swissotel Stamford, which (with the credit card dining discount - a Singaporean must-have) was just $20 per head. It was rather amusing to see Grandad wandering round making pains to avoid any of the Western food. Thankfully, there were enough fresh oysters to start a farm, so I overdosed on zinc and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

- Feeling a strong pang of homesickness. The departure of Dash's parents was the first feeling of missing home that I felt. The second came, rather oddly, when I was watching 'The Duchess' at the Screening Room for a 'Women in Business' networking event organised by Norton Rose. The scenes of the beautiful Georgian mansions and sweeping English countryside made a little lump appear in my throat that wasn't a poorly swallowed bitesize samosa from the nibbles tray. Thankfully, more free wine helped to numb the thoughts of being far away from home.

Next up is a trip back to Blighty to attend a fabulous wedding at a farm in Suffolk and celebrate six months of UK non-residency status. Just before that though, we shall be celebrating a birthday at a villa in Bali and no doubt hanging out at more 'phat' Singaporean pads. It's a hard life.